


When Talent Fails You

by PandoraButler



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Depressing, Depression, Random - Freeform, Self-Hatred, Stress, Suicidal Thoughts, Super deep, really not fun to read, semi-trigger worthy?, talent show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 22:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14459448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandoraButler/pseuds/PandoraButler
Summary: Yuuri Katsuki makes the worst decision of his life when he signs up to participate in the school's talent show.





	When Talent Fails You

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write something like this ever since I saw the similarities in character design (and a bit in personality too) between the main character of Your Lie In April and Yuuri Katsuki. Recently circumstances have inspired me to finally make this work come to reality. So, Yuuri the pianist finally exists. 
> 
> I didn't proofread this so if there are any mistakes I apologize.

“You’re so skilled with the piano. I can’t believe how talented you are.”

 

_ Thanks, but I know you’re only saying that because you don’t know anything about the piano. It would be the same if I walked up to a one-year old and told them that 2+2=4. Their mind would be blown because they don’t understand how simple the equation really is. _

 

“How long have you been playing? I bet it was a long time. You sound so great.”

 

_ If you could just stop talking, that would be a dream. I haven’t been playing since I was little, I’ve been playing for five years. I’m not as talented as you think I am. I am just a really good fake. Please stop complimenting me. _

 

“You were so good! I couldn’t even tell that you made a mistake!”

 

_ That’s because you weren’t really paying attention. You were just hearing noises without listening. It’s like when your teacher goes over a powerpoint and you zone out. You aren’t learning anything, you’re just sitting there, watching. _

 

Yuuri Katsuki had regrettably decided to participate in the talent show. He hadn’t even performed yet and people were complimenting him on the rehearsals they just happened to see. He hated it. He hated every  _ minute _ of it. He hated when his fingers touched the keys and when the people stopped talking because his noise was that ‘beautiful.’ He hated being told that he had talent when he knew it wasn't true. He didn’t know how to read music. He didn't know how to play properly. He didn’t even know what the symbols on the beginning of the sheet were called. He didn’t know the difference between the notes that he stared at. He felt like the stupidest person alive when it came to music, and somehow, people thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. 

 

He just wanted it all to end. He wanted the show to end. He wanted the piano to leave him alone. Why had he signed up for this? Because he wanted momentary fame? Well that was the worst decision of his life. He should’ve known better than to agree to something this stupid. What was he trying to prove? That he could humiliate himself better than anyone in the world? No, he already knew that. 

 

There was nothing good about Yuuri Katsuki in his eyes. Nothing at all. There was only the cold hard truth: he would never be the person he wanted to be. He would never be the confident individual people thought he  _ could _ be. He would only be himself. And that person was the very garbage of this earth.

 

He wasn’t smart.

 

He wasn’t attractive.

 

And he certainly didn’t hold any remarkable personality traits.

 

Yuuri Katsuki was as average as it gets. It would be impossible for anyone to get any simpler; any  _ more _ plain. He had no stage presence in a show full of singers. He couldn’t move his hands in some flashy way as he played. All he had going for him was that he was a ‘musician.’ That made him stand out. He was a person playing an instrument in a crowd full of people using their voice.

 

He hated it.

 

The advisors for this show were only focused on the people they liked. They were only focused on the students that could sing. They couldn’t give two shits about the person playing the piano. They couldn't even bother to allow him practice time. It was like he didn’t exist. This only proved to him that he didn’t. It only showed him that he was even more insignificant than he thought. It proved, that no matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried, no matter what kind of things he attempted to do to make himself a better person,  _ he would always fail in the end _ .

 

Some lessons have to be learned the hard way, through cold experience. This was one such lesson. There was nothing good about Yuuri Katsuki, and now he knew for certain that was true. So, when the day came that he finally got to go up on stage and perform in front of that large crowd, thoughts began to enter in his head that drowned out the music.

 

_ What the fuck do you think you’re doing out here on this stage? _

 

_ You know you can’t win, idiot. _

 

_ Why did you think you had a chance out here? _

 

_ Do you think your special? Well, you aren’t buddy, and you never  _ _ will _ _ be.  _

 

They swarmed and swarmed in his brain until the music stopped coming. He had no sheet music to cheat from. He had nothing but himself, the piano, and the crowd that watched him stop playing. He held his head in his hands and fought back the tears that he knew would come. He heard the cheers of Victor, telling him that he could continue, that he had this down, that he was trying his very best and that Victor was proud of him for it.

 

It didn’t help.

 

He failed.

 

He failed not only himself but the version of himself that  _ believed _ things would change. He failed not only himself but the past version of himself that believed he could  _ heal _ . Well, he couldn't heal. He just made the wound that much  _ deeper _ . The piano had harmed him. It had turned him into the worst type of perfectionist that could possibly exist. With each mistake he felt another stab to the chest. With each song he couldn't learn he felt another insult forming in the back of his mind. There was a reason he had given up all those months ago.  _ There was a reason he had stopped and a reason he never tried to perform _ .

 

But he’d ignored all that common sense and tried anyway.

 

_ And what kind of nonsense was that? _

 

Now he had to live with this moment for the rest of his life. He would have to live with the memory of the night he stopped playing. He didn't stop once, or twice, but three times. He stopped playing, on the stage,  _ three whole times  _ before finally giving up, stopping, and walking off towards the judges. He could hear the reassuring claps of the crowd. He could hear the yells from Victor who was there to support him.

 

But what did it matter?

 

It was all just pity anyway.

 

It was all Yuuri could do to keep from crying right on that stage. His hands shook, his voice shook, his words wouldn’t come out as he wanted them too, and he was  _ so close _ to passing out from the anxiety, the stress, of the whole situation. It was miserable. The worst thing.

 

But what was truly the worst thing…

 

Was that he would have to hear about it for the next month. Every day, up to three times a day, a person would walk up to him and tell him ‘how great he did’ and he hated it. No, he didn’t do great, he fucked up. Why couldn’t people just accept that he fucked up? Was it that hard? He didn’t want the compliments. They weren’t helping, not at all, they were only making it  _ worse _ . 

 

He didn’t need it to be any worse than it already was.

 

He really didn’t.

 

He just wanted it all to end.

 

_ Forever _ .

 

He wanted people to forget about it like he was trying to. But he couldn’t. The memory haunted his sleep. It haunted his brain. Yuuri couldn’t do  _ anything _ without remembering how terrible the whole scenario had been. He barely passed tests. He barely ate. Everything was hell. He was living in a hell of his own creation.

 

All because of his stupid decision to be a part of a show that cared nothing for him.

 

He didn’t even make the top five candidates. What was the point in trying to do anything anymore? Really, why exist at all? He was nothing but the world’s biggest failure. 

 

And it absolutely sucked.

 

It sucked so much.

 

He felt alone. He felt more alone then he had ever been in his life. He felt lost. He felt rejected by the talent that was supposed to be his. He just wanted to be free. He wanted to be free from life and free from responsibility. He wanted to live the rest of his life out in a hole someplace where no one would ever mention anything to him again. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to listen. He just wanted to get a good night’s sleep for once.

 

If that was even possible anymore.

 

Would anything be possible anymore?

 

He doubted it.

 

But only time would tell, unfortunately, that’s how it works in this world.

 

Only time can tell you a single damn thing that makes any sense.

 

Everyone else just speaks a bunch of lies.

 

Who knows if things would get better? Who knows if things would get worse? Yuuri was tired of guessing. He was tired of trying to figure it all out. Nothing seemed to make him happy anymore, and the few things that he did look forward to were ruined in some way, or they didn’t take place at all. 

 

Being alive sucks.

 

Why was he born at all?

 

The world constantly spins while his brain constantly tortures him. It’s not a fun life to live. Is living worth the trouble? Well, attempting to die and failing would bring up questions he didn’t want to answer. So, there was no escaping it.

 

There is no escaping hell. 

 

Hell follows you around. It grasps you by the ankles and whispers sweet little lies into your ears. It corrupts your brain and makes everything torturous. Demons don’t exist beside you, they exist  _ inside _ you. Yuuri will always be his biggest demon. He will always be the worst thing to ever happen to himself. 

 

But how is it possible to free yourself from yourself?

 

He might never find the answer.

 

Who can? Who will?

 

Only time can tell you.

 

Only time ever would.


End file.
